


Bad Ideas Club (For Immortals)

by hotchocolatedictator



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bank Robbery, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27286930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotchocolatedictator/pseuds/hotchocolatedictator
Summary: Jack and River meet up in a bar. Then they rob a bank. If it was anyone else that would probably be worrying.
Relationships: Jack Harkness & River Song
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15
Collections: Missed Connections Exchange





	Bad Ideas Club (For Immortals)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [muse_of_astronomy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/muse_of_astronomy/gifts).



> Written for muse-of-astronomy on tumblr! Prompt was Jack and River. Enjoy!

Jack was already there when she showed up.

He usually was there first. After all, he drove down, and had to make allowances for traffic, and delays, and diversions, although his unique driving style certainly knocked off a good half hour any other person would have spent doing things like obeying speed limits. River, on the other hand, had a vortex manipulator. A working one, that is. Input a time and place, and that was that.

River walked over to the table Jack was sat at and smiled as she saw he’d already ordered her a drink. 

‘Hello.’

Jack looked up and grinned as he realised she was there.

‘Hey there. Got you a drink.’ He nodded towards the glass of vodka.

‘Thanks,’ she replied, sliding into her seat and picking up her drink. ‘So, did you have any plans?’

Jack gave her a look. ‘What are you up to this time, River?’

‘Oh nothing too bad,’ she said innocently, ‘Now, how do you feel about bank heists?’

* * *

It took them several drinks and a couple of half hearted arguments on Jack’s part, but soon enough (not that it mattered how long they took, they had a vortex manipulator) they had left the bar they’d started the evening in, and were well on their way to what was known as the best-protected bank in the universe.

(It wasn’t actually the best-protected bank in the universe. One of the actual best-protected bank in the universe’s security features was secrecy - only a select few even knew of its existence, let alone where it was.)

Their little meet-ups usually ended up like this. They’d start off in some bar somewhere, have a few drinks, talk a bit about immortality and the Doctor (the main reasons they’d started their little immortals club. Which was surprisingly large, considering that 21st century humans tended not to believe in immortality. Despite this, there were two, sometimes three if Me came along, of them, and all thanks to some involvement from the Doctor), and then River would suggest something dangerous and probably illegal and Jack would go along for the sheer pleasure of getting off Earth for a few hours. Oh, the joy of alien life that wasn’t trying to kill you!

Jack had always assumed bank robbing would be a lot harder than conning. After all, a con just needed charm, some good lying and a well-timed destruction. A bank heist, on the other hand… well, watch any 21st century bank heist movie and it’ll give you all the information you need on CCTV cameras, vaults with hidden security systems, and complex planning complete with carefully organised schedules whose downfall was sure to be its own precision.

River pointed her sonic screwdriver at the cameras as they walked in, and that was that.

If Jack had known bank heists were this easy, he’d never have become a conman.

* * *

‘So, what is it we’re here for?’ Jack asked. He may not have too many issues with bank heists, but he did generally like to know what it was he was stealing. And why too, if possible.

‘When I left my fourth husband, he kept some of my jewellery. I’d quite like it back.’

Jack had a feeling there was more to it than that - River didn’t seem like the sort to obsess over some gold and sparkly gems - but he didn’t press it.

‘Alright,’ he said instead, and felt for the webley in his pocket, ‘What vault?’

* * *

River had quite a lot of practice breaking into banks. She was married to the Doctor, after all - she was going to have a few quirks, and it just so happened that they tended to involve breaking into - and out of - things. And really, this bank was a doddle compared to some she’d seen. Best protected bank in the universe her arse. (River was one of the handful of people who knew where the actual best protected bank in the universe was. But that’s a whole other story…)

And when you had a sonic to help you on your way, and a vortex manipulator, and a broken but still partially functional one for good measure, well, it was child’s play.

A well placed zap at a security camera, and there was that worry gone. Getting in was the easy bit. Now, to figure out what vault they were looking for…

* * *

‘Alright, if we hack the computers, we can access the names of the owners of the vaults.’

River nodded. 

‘Well, let’s find a computer then!’

‘You wouldn’t happen to have schematics of the building, would you?’ Jack asked.

‘Nope. This was all a bit spur-of-the-moment, to be honest. Now, choose a direction!’

* * *

‘Next time we do this, I’m bringing a map.’

‘What makes you think we’ll do this again?’

Jack gave her a look.

‘Well, I’ve met you, for a start. There’s no way you’d just sit quietly in some bar with a pint of beer.’

‘Fair point,’ said River, opening a door and sticking her head in, ‘Ah, this looks right.’

Opening the door wider, she waltzed in, ignoring the man sitting at the computer gaping at her.

Before the poor bloke had a chance to recover from the invasion of his workplace, Jack had got to him, with a disarming grin and a ‘Captain Jack Harkness. And who are you?’

‘T'rak,’ the man stuttered.

‘Well, T'rak, I’m afraid we’re going to need to use your computer,’ River said, clicking something on the screen.

‘Do you have authority to do that?’ T'rak asked nervously.

Before River could reply, Jack had pulled a small square of paper out of a pocket of his greatcoat, and was holding it up for T'rak to see.

‘Ah,’ T'rak nodded, ‘I see. I’ll just leave you to it, then.’

And with that, he left.

‘Psychic paper?’ River asked, eyebrows raised.

‘From the Time Agency,’ Jack answered, ‘Comes in handy.’

River hummed in reply, then grinned as she pulled up a likely-looking file.

‘We’re looking for a Kreevor Tynnyn.'

* * *

‘Is that him?’ Jack asked for the fifth time, pointing at a name on the screen.

‘No. I told you, it’s Kreevor Tynnyn, not,’ River squinted at the tiny type the name was written in, ‘Kreevor Tynnynn.’

‘Looks the same to me.’

‘It’s not! There’s an extra n in this one, see?’

Jack squinted at the screen himself.

‘Oh. So it is.’ He paused, then added, ‘I hate this tiny type.’

‘Mmm. But there isn’t anything we can do about it.’

It took about a second, but then it hit them both at the same time.

‘The sonic screwdriver!’

* * *

‘So we’re sure it’s vault 742?’

‘Yes, we’re sure,’ River sighed, ‘It was definitely a seven.’

Before Jack could reply, she added, ‘And I know I said it was a one, but the text was tiny.’

Jack nodded at the explanation, and then held out an arm to River.

‘To vault 742, m’lady?’ He asked, in an absolutely terrible accent.

Grinning, River took it.

‘This way.’

* * *

‘Here we go,’ said River, as, with a final satisfying click, the door to the vault swung open.

Jack looked inside, wondering what it was that they’d actually come for.

It wasn’t much, actually. A few bits of jewellery, like River had said, but Jack had seen jewellery like that before. He’d heard of all sorts of clever tricks to let you hide messages in the metals and weapons in the jewels, and had even used a few. Anyone who knew River would decide it was a good idea to keep them far away from her. There was a key too, small and shiny and silver, and Jack knew what that was, too. Suddenly the whole endeavour made a lot more sense.

‘Right, let’s get this lot into the bag,’ said River, pulling out a Tesco’s carrier bag.

‘Tesco’s?’

‘I told you, short notice. Now hurry up!’

They loaded it into the bag and River tucked it away somewhere, leaving Jack to wonder exactly where she was hiding it wearing that dress.

‘And now…’

‘We run,’ finished Jack, and they both grinned as they raced forwards.

* * *

‘I’d call that a pretty successful night,’ said Jack, as they sat in the corner of a bar on one of the smaller moons of Jupiter, drinking hypervodka that was honestly not that much better than the vodka in the bar on Earth.

‘We didn’t get arrested,’ agreed River, ‘or killed. Definitely one of our better ones.’

She took a sip as they each remembered a few less successful adventures.

‘You got everything back alright, though?’

‘Yes, it’s all there.’

‘Hey did I ever tell you about my first con? It was, oh, over a hundred years ago now, in Pompeii. Right on volcano day, in fact…’

* * *

‘...and then he says, ‘I haven’t got any’!’ River grinned as Jack burst out laughing.

‘I should really be getting back soon,’ she said finally.

‘Me too. I don’t know what my team would do if I was gone for too long.’

They both stood up, and after settling their tab walked out.

‘Need a lift?’

‘Yeah, that’d be great.’

A minute later, the only sign that anyone had ever been there was two sets of footprints.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated :D


End file.
